As the modern day poet Jay-Z, eloqantly declared in his recent sonnet, there are generally a total of 99 problems and I think he was referring to swimming in a local pool. I can empathise with Mr Z, as I too have the same quantity of issues when considering getting into a swimsuit. From cellulite, to body image, to lighting, to being a fashion philistine with my choice of swimwear, to fear of floaters; there are indeed 99 problems, which equates to 99 reasons why I generally avoid the pool.
My existing swimsuit possesses no powers to keep my rather large boobs into position and thus a breast-stroke, is usually self-fulfilling. My friend Sugar (who took me to Badminton) is a retailer of swimsuits for the over-mammeried amongst us, so I trotted down for her counsel on the subject. Sugar presented me with a range of revolutionary swimsuits, which had an inbuilt bra inside - amazing! She found it almost incomprehensible that I had got through my life without this knowledge. Her disparaging remarks went on deaf ears, as I was busy falling in love with a tankini, which ruffled at the tummy.
This is not how I look in it but here it is on Sugar's website
Once purchased, I took myself, my ruffle at the tummy, boob holding tankini and my eldest down to try Aqua Aerobics at Atlantic Reach (the scene of the pole-dancing debacle!) My back is still proving a bit of a problem, so I had hurriedly substituted wake-boarding for the gentler aqua class. I will leave that particular nightmare for another day.
I met the instructor Frances who initially looked bemused by my challenge and then once she realised I wasn’t an outpatient, enthusiastically questioned me about it all. She also said that the class would be perfect for my back and that I could put in as much or as little effort as I felt comfortable with. She didn’t mention my tankini.
After scanning the water for floaters, as I suspiciously eyed-up the vacating toddlers, I waded in to the pool, which after all of my sea challenges, felt pleasantly warm. The music began and I splashed my way through “I’m Sexy And I Know It” and other equally bouncing music and at no bounce, was there a slip of any kind. It was a pleasant change not to be constantly worried about looking down to see if I had preserved my modesty.
Note to self: 11 year olds can't take photos
The good thing about the class is that co-ordination was not a massive requirement, as you could free-style if you mucked it up and nobody could see what blunders you were making with your lower limbs. My back felt comfortable, even though I was exercising – it is certainly a suitable class for all ages and abilities.
The class continued with a variety of floats
My aqua prancing was over and I had a great time. Maybe the land based fitness classes make me focus too much on my lack of coordination and rhythm. In aqua aerobics, no one will win an award for timing – that is best left to synchronised swimming, which isn’t one of my 100 sports! Best of all, I managed to stay all in one place for the duration – I have 99 problems but the t*ts ain’t one!
If you would like to try aqua aerobics at Atlantic Reach, you can visit their website here. If you are an aqua aerobics instructor and you would like to promote your class for free, you can do so on SofaDodger.co.uk.
My name is Sam. I am a 35 year old, unfit, gym-phobic, mother of 3, who enjoys indulging in a glass of wine or two. I started the website sofadodger.co.uk this year, which is ironic as I am more a sofadweller than a sofadodger. So I have taken on the challenge of trying 100 different sports and fitness classes in a year. I shall be blogging about, what will be, one of the most interesting and challenging years of my life!